MARCH 31. It’s been two weeks since they put me in The Hole. Very unfair! No-one is treated as unfairly as Trump. Many people say that solitary confinement is a kind of torture. I’m not so sure. I’m getting to spend a lot of time with my favourite person in the world. I say to him: ‘Mr President, remember when you met Bo Derek at the PGA Tour Championship? She had the hots for you, believe me.’ And he’ll reply: ‘I agree, Mr President. Also, I was a better golfer than anyone in the tournament. And that’s without cheating, which I would never do, believe me.’ So I’m doing amazing. Incredibly well. Some would say I’m the best Hole Guy ever. Not like those losers who go nuts. Our formerly presidential protagonist finds himself battling on many fronts: attempting to clear his name while contending with brutal inmates and sadistic guards.